Sensitive caregiving: Breaking the cycle of harsh parenting

Key points:

• Harsh parenting as a way to discipline is damaging to children, particularly adolescents. It becomes harder for the child to trust others and share their problems openly. They can become more distressed whilst their difficulties remain undetected and unresolved.
• Sensitive caregiving is a healthier alternative; discipline is most effective within a healthy parent-child relationship built on trust and respectful communication. Children are more likely to seek support and guidance when disciplinary issues are addressed calmly and collaboratively.
• Healthy approaches should be utilised in dealing with difficult behaviour. These can include time-outs accompanied by explanation and involving the child in problem-solving in place of lecturing.

Harsh disciplinary strategies such as physical discipline, shouting, threats or excessive punishment can be humiliating for anyone, at any age. For adolescents, physical discipline is particularly damaging in their stage of development. It can worsen already difficult relationships with parents and other adults, as it makes it harder for them to trust others and share about their problems openly. It can also have the opposite effect from what is intended, leading to resistance, secrecy or rebellion.

Oppositional and delinquent behaviour at this age may stem from underlying difficulties or worries including depression, anxiety, abuse and peer issues. Adolescent boys, in particular, may find it hard to share about their worries, and manifest difficulties through antisocial behaviour such as physical violence, violating rules, lying and more.

Modelling a “physical” solution to resolving conflict, rather than speaking about disagreements, is linked to worsened aggression, oppositional behaviour and ongoing antisocial behaviour in adulthood. This further compounds the child’s distress while their difficulties remain undetected and unresolved.

Trust is the foundation of healthy discipline

In any form, discipline is most effective within a healthy parent-child relationship built on trust and respectful communication. Parents should explain why they dealt with the situation in the way they did, in an age-appropriate manner, and at an appropriate time, when the child’s emotional protest is settled.

This enables the child to understand why they faced discipline for their misdemeanour and be assured that they are loved. For young children, a reassuring hug also goes a long way.

Trust is especially crucial during the teenage years and develops over time when parents show genuine interest in their teen’s life, thoughts and experiences through regular communication and shared activities. Teenagers are more likely to seek support and guidance from their parents when they feel heard, understood and accepted, rather than judged or immediately corrected.

When disciplinary issues arise, aim to address these calmly and collaboratively. Seek first to understand the reasons behind the behaviour, and clearly communicate concerns and expectations. In place of lecturing, involve the teenager in problem-solving by inviting them to reflect, consider consequences and explore solutions together. This encourages accountability and develops important life skills such as self-reflection, decision-making and responsibility.

Sensitive caregiving matches the child’s needs and capacity

Healthy parental discipline evolves as a child grows, to match their developmental needs and growing capacity for independent thinking. Younger children often require more direct guidance, structure and supervision, while adolescents benefit from a collaborative and respectful approach that supports their emerging autonomy.

Why some parents resort to harsh forms of discipline

Adverse childhood experiences can shape emotional memory that results in embodied trauma, passed from generations to generations. While children learn quickly to behave and fall in line under harsh discipline, what also follows is a sense of not being seen, or feeling safe or secure in their parents. These emotions can resurface when they later become parents themselves.

For parents, the urge to resort to physical discipline such as caning, can be due to one’s own childhood experience. To those who experienced it in childhood, it can seem like an appropriate and effective solution when they experience difficult feelings of anger, shame and inadequacy.

Years later, even in adulthood and under different circumstances, their frustration over the child’s misbehaviour can still shift to anxiety that the situation is beyond control and not safe. Their default emotional response can be one of anger to feel strong and able to overcome the situation to regain control.

This is then followed by the parent feeling guilty about the aftermath, as they remember the loneliness and disconnect that they felt from long ago. However, because they may not have experienced repairing such relational ruptures in their own childhood, they may not know how to reach out to their child.

Healthier approaches to discipline are now widely discussed amongst parents, with many families understanding the importance of sensitive caregiving in shaping their child’s growth. Societal shifts in child discipline are also well underway, helping to build a resilient, confident and compassionate population.

	Associate Professor Helen Chen, Senior Consultant, Department of Psychological Medicine, KKH Associate Professor Helen Chen established the Women’s Mental Wellness Service and is director of the Postnatal Depression Intervention Programme at KKH. She champions the needs of mothers suffering from maternal mental illness, with particular focus on building expertise in perinatal infant mental health. A member of the GUSTO study investigation team, Assoc Prof Chen has contributed to key papers providing robust evidence into the link between maternal mental health, and child health and development outcomes. She is actively involved in teaching undergraduates and postgraduates, and serves in national committees and workgroups.
	Ms Poh Chai Hong, Principal Medical Social Worker, Department of Psychological Medicine, KKH Ms Poh Chai Hong is part of Reach East team, a community mental health team dedicated to supporting the mental well-being of children and youth. She conducts mental health assessment, provides psychological intervention and works alongside parents to strengthen their parenting skills and emotional attunement with their children.
	Dr Vicknesan Jeyan Marimuttu, Head and Senior Consultant, Department of Psychological Medicine, KKH Dr Vicknesan Marimuttu has a broad range of experience in treating children and adolescents with mental health disorders. His areas of clinical and research interest include mood disorders, self-harm, suicidality, somatoform disorders and brief psychotherapeutic interventions. Dr Vicknesan is also Clinical Assistant Professor, Duke-NUS Graduate Medical School.